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And I wonder
1 min read
how much of all, that is and was, is hollow?
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"Gaia, Facebook or Deviant?", I asked myself. . .
And then I thought, I haven't incriminated my dA journal in a while...
Whilst I know my dear darling Frances rarely ever checks my posts on Gaia and dA much any more these days, I know that she eventually will one day and that she can spontaneously discuss the crazy things I usually mention in my journal entries with me at a later time. . .
And anyway, I tend to be delayed with most things more than other people all the time... I mean, I don't often get into a TV show until a year has past since it first aired, I don't listen to a new song or album until a few months have gone, I don't bring up and/or recount events thoroughly until a couple of hours or an entire day or so has past, and I barely ever do my homework until 5am on the day that the assignment's actually due. . .
Gosh I'm fail. . .
Anyway...
That's not the point. . .
The point is...
Now what was the point?
Ummmn. . . Today was virtually perfect. I went out to see Adventure Time with my friends and it was so totally worth going all the way to Greensborough and spending $10 for a ticket...
Yeah, we had to wait an hour to catch the bus home... But even that was still cool... 
The five eps that played today were: 'What Was Missing', 'Return to the Nightosphere', 'Daddy's Little Monster', 'King Worm' and 'Lady and Peebles'.
I haven't actually fully watched all of season 4 of AT so I hadn't actually seen King Worm and Lady and Peebles yet, so it was awesome seeing them for the first time as well as watching the fabulous episodes I'd already seen...
Contemplating uploading videos from today's playground antics... But cbf right now...
On a random note, today was also brilliant not only 'cause of Emmacorn's (and Matt Smith's) birthday and Adventure Time outings and hanging out with friends and all but also because I spoke with my gorgeous boyfriend Bien.
*sigh*
Hearing from him makes me incredibly happy amongst other things... Gosh, even just chatting with him makes my heart leap out of its place...
I'm conflicted about one particular thing though. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Is it weird if I. . . well. . . touch myself while I'm doing my very best attempts to concentrate on actually conversing!?
I mean people can have stereotypically "normal" urges, but is it not apparently "not normal" to act upon such urges at such an inappropriate time?!?
I guess these sorts of urges are normal for people and all but... Isn't this stereotypically not how a "good" girl should act!?!
I mean, yeah, everybody knows I'm not the most virtuous person there is... But really shouldn't I be more sensible about these things!?!
Idk... I mean, it's not that bad... It's not really serious fapping or anything. . . I just happened to catch myself fondling my chest excessively beneath all my layers of clothing today whilst sitting in my room mate's car despite still being on the phone with my boyfriend. I mean, I haven't been this way for all the while that I've been dating Bien in a different country. Like 6 months ago, I wouldn't have acted anything close to this behaviour. . . [That's a lie. . . Because 6 months ago, I would've been more or less "normal" with the way that when I would be home alone, I'd be lying in the middle of the sofa bed in a more or less foetal position except with one arm being clasped between my legs for the duration of the call. . .]
I'm just worried that my habits aren't acceptable and "lady-like" and what-not. . .
I mean, this could be very potentially disruptive and deleterious. . . I mean, I know hentai tends to be intentionally fantastical and unrealistic, but in all the hentai mangas I've read that mention LDRs, it tends to be all cute sweet and vanilla-like until it goes on to become a netorare where the chick's an unfaithful whorebag who almost always ends up becoming a sex slave after submitting to all her sexual urges and turning into a certified nympho... :/
I mean, technically there's nothing totally wrong with being a nympho. . . But then again,I'm the type of person who personally reckons becoming my boyfriend's sex slave and/or finally having someone recognise me as someone worth getting hot and heavy with would be having one of my life-long goals fulfilled my logic's too stupid right now to judge anything. . .
I'm just worried. . .
But I just can't help it sometimes. . .
Bien's just so damn sexy and the that he goes on and says something suggestive makes me an awfully awkward speechless/breathless mess sometimes. . .
And the only thought in my mind as it starts to go blank is: fuck.
[And that has more than just one meaning than merely being a a simple expression of profanity when one becomes (happily) surprised. . .]
So my thought process, as well as lack of control, really doesn't help during dire moments when he tells me his bed feels quite empty or when he asks me about my personal experimentation progress and what-not. . .
Fuck.
If I had the chance, I'd be going down on him in a heartbeat.
See, I'm not good at social conventions and if I had a little less self control, the things I'd say unrestrained would be terrible and potentially almost definitely distasteful to most "normal" people; I'd lose any form of (non-existent) grace I appear to have and I would risk the chance of disgusting and/or losing my dear darling boyfriend...
asdfghjklqcfdvghjktrjkvbkiudefcvghbklfd...
Gosh. . . I really need to vent my sexual frustrations in a not always physical way. . .
I've been thinking that reading the amount of hentai I do everyday probably isn't healthy for my psyche... But I've been thinking that hentai is deleterious for ages now. . . (And I still haven't done anything about that...)
I think venting this out verbally sort of helps. . .
There's a lot more I have to say on this topic, but I've already said so much here that I feel like it's time I ought to incriminate my Gaia account or something. . .
Then again, it is 1am in the morning now (more or less) and I have school technically today. . .
Well, alright then. . .
I'm going to casually disappear now...
(-.-)/
And then I thought, I haven't incriminated my dA journal in a while...
Whilst I know my dear darling Frances rarely ever checks my posts on Gaia and dA much any more these days, I know that she eventually will one day and that she can spontaneously discuss the crazy things I usually mention in my journal entries with me at a later time. . .
And anyway, I tend to be delayed with most things more than other people all the time... I mean, I don't often get into a TV show until a year has past since it first aired, I don't listen to a new song or album until a few months have gone, I don't bring up and/or recount events thoroughly until a couple of hours or an entire day or so has past, and I barely ever do my homework until 5am on the day that the assignment's actually due. . .
Gosh I'm fail. . .
Anyway...
That's not the point. . .
The point is...
Now what was the point?
Ummmn. . . Today was virtually perfect. I went out to see Adventure Time with my friends and it was so totally worth going all the way to Greensborough and spending $10 for a ticket...
Yeah, we had to wait an hour to catch the bus home... But even that was still cool... The five eps that played today were: 'What Was Missing', 'Return to the Nightosphere', 'Daddy's Little Monster', 'King Worm' and 'Lady and Peebles'.
I haven't actually fully watched all of season 4 of AT so I hadn't actually seen King Worm and Lady and Peebles yet, so it was awesome seeing them for the first time as well as watching the fabulous episodes I'd already seen...
Contemplating uploading videos from today's playground antics... But cbf right now...
On a random note, today was also brilliant not only 'cause of Emmacorn's (and Matt Smith's) birthday and Adventure Time outings and hanging out with friends and all but also because I spoke with my gorgeous boyfriend Bien.
*sigh*
Hearing from him makes me incredibly happy amongst other things... Gosh, even just chatting with him makes my heart leap out of its place...
I'm conflicted about one particular thing though. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Is it weird if I. . . well. . . touch myself while I'm doing my very best attempts to concentrate on actually conversing!?
I mean people can have stereotypically "normal" urges, but is it not apparently "not normal" to act upon such urges at such an inappropriate time?!?
I guess these sorts of urges are normal for people and all but... Isn't this stereotypically not how a "good" girl should act!?!
I mean, yeah, everybody knows I'm not the most virtuous person there is... But really shouldn't I be more sensible about these things!?!
Idk... I mean, it's not that bad... It's not really serious fapping or anything. . . I just happened to catch myself fondling my chest excessively beneath all my layers of clothing today whilst sitting in my room mate's car despite still being on the phone with my boyfriend.
I mean, I haven't been this way for all the while that I've been dating Bien in a different country. Like 6 months ago, I wouldn't have acted anything close to this behaviour. . . [That's a lie. . . Because 6 months ago, I would've been more or less "normal" with the way that when I would be home alone, I'd be lying in the middle of the sofa bed in a more or less foetal position except with one arm being clasped between my legs for the duration of the call. . .]I'm just worried that my habits aren't acceptable and "lady-like" and what-not. . .
I mean, this could be very potentially disruptive and deleterious. . . I mean, I know hentai tends to be intentionally fantastical and unrealistic, but in all the hentai mangas I've read that mention LDRs, it tends to be all cute sweet and vanilla-like until it goes on to become a netorare where the chick's an unfaithful whorebag who almost always ends up becoming a sex slave after submitting to all her sexual urges and turning into a certified nympho... :/
I mean, technically there's nothing totally wrong with being a nympho. . . But then again,
I'm just worried. . .
But I just can't help it sometimes. . .
Bien's just so damn sexy and the that he goes on and says something suggestive makes me an awfully awkward speechless/breathless mess sometimes. . .
And the only thought in my mind as it starts to go blank is: fuck.
[And that has more than just one meaning than merely being a a simple expression of profanity when one becomes (happily) surprised. . .]
So my thought process, as well as lack of control, really doesn't help during dire moments when he tells me his bed feels quite empty or when he asks me about my personal experimentation progress and what-not. . .
Fuck.
If I had the chance, I'd be going down on him in a heartbeat.
See, I'm not good at social conventions and if I had a little less self control, the things I'd say unrestrained would be terrible and potentially almost definitely distasteful to most "normal" people; I'd lose any form of (non-existent) grace I appear to have and I would risk the chance of disgusting and/or losing my dear darling boyfriend...
asdfghjklqcfdvghjktrjkvbkiudefcvghbklfd...
Gosh. . . I really need to vent my sexual frustrations in a not always physical way. . .
I've been thinking that reading the amount of hentai I do everyday probably isn't healthy for my psyche... But I've been thinking that hentai is deleterious for ages now. . . (And I still haven't done anything about that...)
I think venting this out verbally sort of helps. . .
There's a lot more I have to say on this topic, but I've already said so much here that I feel like it's time I ought to incriminate my Gaia account or something. . .
Then again, it is 1am in the morning now (more or less) and I have school technically today. . .
Well, alright then. . .
I'm going to casually disappear now...
(-.-)/
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Revelations
5 min read
I've established the fact that I have a second chance at developing a decent civil platonic relationship with my dear friend Monique.
Just knowing she's alive is spirit lifting enough, but having her tell me we're friends and that she never stopped thinking that of us is more than I could have ever hoped to hear.
But that's not the only revelation I've had over the past week. . .
I realized that one of possibly my most major problems is that I'm not only an extreme case of a philogynist, but I'm also a slight misandrist.
This may be induced by plain ole bias and/or trauma.
I mean, I'm still not over the fact that dad's an absolute bastard.
After the entire ordeal with him abandoning us, I didn't want to lose trust in society or love but in turn I began lose faith in the entire male gender slowly but surely...
I wanted to trust them.
I wanted to feel comfortable being around them.
But what with my lack of experience with guys, the lack of any brothers and prominence of two sisters, I just found it so hard to even interact with males in an informal sense.
But I tried.
I attempted to initiate a relationship with a boy back in 2009 when I was in year 8.
Unfortunately that attempt was with John Sio...
Ugh... I saw him at the train station being all boy-ish and teenage-ish...
I mean, I guess I can't blame him for... well... being an ordinary teenage boy but...
IDK...
In the end he sort of just encouraged my misandry.
I mean, John isn't entirely the reason why I finally came to the realization that I'm a lesbian.
(But at the same time he might have been a big deciding factor...)
I mean, even after papa and John I was still able to sort of interact with some blokes who weren't so bad... But I could never like any other guy in a non-platonic sense.
Guy anatomy is just... lacking...
On a random note, I find it unfair that guys have the option of inflatables and all girls get is a fraction of a person in the form of a vibrator or dildo which makes women who use sex toys seem superficial.
I'm actually disinclined to my own personal use of sex toys as I see them as both blech-y and lacking, but I just find it unfair on girls who might want more than simply stimulation below the waist.
It's about time they made real life Kronos Heaven models...
Sex toys? Ew. But androids/cyborgs/humanoids? WIN.
Anyway...
That's all off topic...
Point is, I sort of slightly knew I wasn't so fond of boys in a particular manner...
I mean, I know I obsessed over boy bands (and even still often do) and although back in grade 6 to year 8-ish I was all hypersexual and fangirly, eventually I was able to admire boy bands in a platonic manner opposed to a: "OMG!!1! I SOOO WANT TO BE IMPREGNATED BY *insert name of Japanese Justin Bieber equivalent here* RIGHT NOW DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M LIKE, ONLY 12..." sort of way.
I mean, it's similar to asexuals enjoying the act of sex. I can still technically see how one might find a bloke appealing or attractive but I never simply crave the attention of guys.
If that makes sense...
I only pieced together the fact that I'm a misandrist the other day when my mum told me papa was hassling her again.
I mean, I get that girls can be just as lame as guys are but since I'm more used to environments where I'm surrounded by girls I just feel more comfortable around them and more uncomfortable with guys.
The only exception to all this is Bien.
But that's just because he's epic and amazing and breaks all my logic.
I mean, only a couple few years ago, I was not only a misadrist but I was still genocidal and biased against Filipinos.
So it's quite a wonder that I'm dating a pinoy male who's the same age as me (what with my extreme youth fetish)...
He's brilliant.
Gosh I miss him.
Another random revelation though... (Which almost scares me quite a bit...)
Bien and Clarke, my apparent... internet boyfriend way back when... have the same birthday...
0_o;;
I mean, technically Clarke's from '94 but still...
That's just damn uncanny.
What's with that? :\
Blah... Of all the old love interests I've ever had, the only one I'm not entirely satisfied with it's ceasing is my crush on Abisheka.
Things are still awkward even though my main aim was to avoid awkwardness and discomfort completely...
Hmmmn...
But on another random note, I am honestly the worst ever loser ever.
Ever.
And I say this just in general, not just because I did something big and stupid again but because I am all the darn time.
I really am a complacent unreliable neurotic try-hard.
Just knowing she's alive is spirit lifting enough, but having her tell me we're friends and that she never stopped thinking that of us is more than I could have ever hoped to hear.
But that's not the only revelation I've had over the past week. . .
I realized that one of possibly my most major problems is that I'm not only an extreme case of a philogynist, but I'm also a slight misandrist.
This may be induced by plain ole bias and/or trauma.
I mean, I'm still not over the fact that dad's an absolute bastard.
After the entire ordeal with him abandoning us, I didn't want to lose trust in society or love but in turn I began lose faith in the entire male gender slowly but surely...
I wanted to trust them.
I wanted to feel comfortable being around them.
But what with my lack of experience with guys, the lack of any brothers and prominence of two sisters, I just found it so hard to even interact with males in an informal sense.
But I tried.
I attempted to initiate a relationship with a boy back in 2009 when I was in year 8.
Unfortunately that attempt was with John Sio...
Ugh... I saw him at the train station being all boy-ish and teenage-ish...
I mean, I guess I can't blame him for... well... being an ordinary teenage boy but...
IDK...
In the end he sort of just encouraged my misandry.
I mean, John isn't entirely the reason why I finally came to the realization that I'm a lesbian.
(But at the same time he might have been a big deciding factor...)
I mean, even after papa and John I was still able to sort of interact with some blokes who weren't so bad... But I could never like any other guy in a non-platonic sense.
Guy anatomy is just... lacking...
On a random note, I find it unfair that guys have the option of inflatables and all girls get is a fraction of a person in the form of a vibrator or dildo which makes women who use sex toys seem superficial.
I'm actually disinclined to my own personal use of sex toys as I see them as both blech-y and lacking, but I just find it unfair on girls who might want more than simply stimulation below the waist.
It's about time they made real life Kronos Heaven models...
Sex toys? Ew. But androids/cyborgs/humanoids? WIN.
Anyway...
That's all off topic...
Point is, I sort of slightly knew I wasn't so fond of boys in a particular manner...
I mean, I know I obsessed over boy bands (and even still often do) and although back in grade 6 to year 8-ish I was all hypersexual and fangirly, eventually I was able to admire boy bands in a platonic manner opposed to a: "OMG!!1! I SOOO WANT TO BE IMPREGNATED BY *insert name of Japanese Justin Bieber equivalent here* RIGHT NOW DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M LIKE, ONLY 12..." sort of way.
I mean, it's similar to asexuals enjoying the act of sex. I can still technically see how one might find a bloke appealing or attractive but I never simply crave the attention of guys.
If that makes sense...
I only pieced together the fact that I'm a misandrist the other day when my mum told me papa was hassling her again.
I mean, I get that girls can be just as lame as guys are but since I'm more used to environments where I'm surrounded by girls I just feel more comfortable around them and more uncomfortable with guys.
The only exception to all this is Bien.
But that's just because he's epic and amazing and breaks all my logic.
I mean, only a couple few years ago, I was not only a misadrist but I was still genocidal and biased against Filipinos.
So it's quite a wonder that I'm dating a pinoy male who's the same age as me (what with my extreme youth fetish)...
He's brilliant.
Gosh I miss him.
Another random revelation though... (Which almost scares me quite a bit...)
Bien and Clarke, my apparent... internet boyfriend way back when... have the same birthday...
0_o;;
I mean, technically Clarke's from '94 but still...
That's just damn uncanny.
What's with that? :\
Blah... Of all the old love interests I've ever had, the only one I'm not entirely satisfied with it's ceasing is my crush on Abisheka.
Things are still awkward even though my main aim was to avoid awkwardness and discomfort completely...
Hmmmn...
But on another random note, I am honestly the worst ever loser ever.
Ever.
And I say this just in general, not just because I did something big and stupid again but because I am all the darn time.
I really am a complacent unreliable neurotic try-hard.
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E-Factor. . .
1 min read
Oh if only I could count the amount of times I screamed "TURKEYYYYYYYYY!!1!!!", "ITALY! ITALY! COME ON DAMNIT! 12 POINTS ITALY!", "LITHUUUUUUAAAAANNNNNIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" and "OHMYBURNINGHAVISHAMWHYISRUSSIANOTWINNING?!?!?!" at the TV on Sunday. . .
Despite the growing amount of Loreen fanart in my dA favourites, I thoroughly did not approve of Sweden's choice of representation . . .
I mean we all know it should have been the -amazing- Danny Saucedo up there . . .
Not enough wub-step in this year's competition...
As they say, all you need is wub: wub wub wub wub wub...
Bah...
Ah well... At least Turkey were on the better side unlike Jedward... or Cyprus or Greece at that matter...
Bah there's a lack of Eurovision crack this year...
WOKI MIT DEIM POPO!!! XDDDDDD
Despite the growing amount of Loreen fanart in my dA favourites, I thoroughly did not approve of Sweden's choice of representation . . .
I mean we all know it should have been the -amazing- Danny Saucedo up there . . .
Not enough wub-step in this year's competition...
As they say, all you need is wub: wub wub wub wub wub...
Bah...
Ah well... At least Turkey were on the better side unlike Jedward... or Cyprus or Greece at that matter...
Bah there's a lack of Eurovision crack this year...
WOKI MIT DEIM POPO!!! XDDDDDD
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Please...?
For the past couple of months I've been contemplating it but just haven't found the right amount of motivation to go on again...
Now all the potential motivation is boiling over the borderline and so I'm almost definitely seriously contemplating going back on facebook all whilst using a heap of oxymorons...
But yeah...
My main few motivations being:
- I owe my lovely Frances an apology for missing her birthday... XP
- I need to say hi to my little Jessica 'cause she's been trying to contact me for ages now but I haven't completely been online...
- My dear favourite cousin Angel contacted me like 3 months ago telling me he misses me and I never replied...
- Facebook is potentially easier medium to use to contact my dear darling Bien
- I want to see what my beautiful Esha is up to and to inform her that her beautiful face is like at every end of the corridors at school (and right outside 7-11 as well!)which causes me to anime-style nosebleed profusely whenever I see the school promotional posters
- That little boy I met at that chess tournament may or may not be active on facebook and I still have a score I need to settle that has something to do with wearing cat collars...
- Phuong goes online not-very-regularly/often...
- I have to go on so I can like 9000+ Xena fan pages...
I ought to go back online there to have some form of inner balance to ease my mind...
As I said... Motivation is at boiling point...
I think it's probably time I ought to do something...
. . .
But idk...
For the past couple of months I've been contemplating it but just haven't found the right amount of motivation to go on again...
Now all the potential motivation is boiling over the borderline and so I'm almost definitely seriously contemplating going back on facebook all whilst using a heap of oxymorons...
But yeah...
My main few motivations being:
- I owe my lovely Frances an apology for missing her birthday... XP
- I need to say hi to my little Jessica 'cause she's been trying to contact me for ages now but I haven't completely been online...
- My dear favourite cousin Angel contacted me like 3 months ago telling me he misses me and I never replied...
- Facebook is potentially easier medium to use to contact my dear darling Bien
- I want to see what my beautiful Esha is up to and to inform her that her beautiful face is like at every end of the corridors at school (and right outside 7-11 as well!)
- That little boy I met at that chess tournament may or may not be active on facebook and I still have a score I need to settle that has something to do with wearing cat collars...
- Phuong goes online not-very-regularly/often...
- I have to go on so I can like 9000+ Xena fan pages...
I ought to go back online there to have some form of inner balance to ease my mind...
As I said... Motivation is at boiling point...
I think it's probably time I ought to do something...
. . .
But idk...
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